Negbores Negboires

On June 5, 1997 viewers of the Home Service Channel announced that Negbores had been axed, and the final episode of the first series, episode 13, was screened.

The Home Service Channel however had no programming to replace the soap opera with, so dug out the arthouse film Negboirs to fill the spot in the schedules. Now, in a Planet Bods exclusive, we're proud to bring you the exclusive transcript of that arthouse film.

So sit back and enjoy the mystique of Negboirs...

<Announcer speaketh>

Announcer: We apologise but we cannot bring you today's episode of Negbours. Instead some strange arthouse film that nearly won an Oscar. Okay its crap and you don't want to see it, but hey, I don't care.

<Garishly sickly theme tune plays...>

<Boy and girl stand. Anywhere. It's not important. It bears no relevance to anything that actually happens. The boy talks quickly. The girl slower, more reserved.>

Boy: Marry me.

Girl: Sorry?

Boy: Marry me.

Girl: Yeah. That's what I thought you said.

Boy: Marry me.

Girl: I don't know what to say.

Boy: Say anything. Say yes. Say no. Say you're going on holiday for a week to the Amazon. Say something to respond to the fact that I've just asked you to marry me. I'd rather like it if you said yes but that's not really important. What is important is that you say anything but the words "I don't know what to say." Say you'll marry me.

Girl: Why?

Boy: Why what?

Girl: Why do you think we should get married?

Boy: I love you. You love me. Why debate these facts? We know they are true. We know that they are real. We can see. We can feel. Admit it. Feel it. Believe it. Know it. Rush it home and cuddle it under the Christmas tree. (Gasps for breath) Marry me.

Girl: Well...

Boy: Yes? Oh, mind you let's look at your record. Four weeks to decide that we should actually make official our dating. By these facts it seems likely that it will take you at least six months to decide whether you want to or whether you don't. Marry me. Make me a happy man. Not that I'm not already. You make me very happy. Make me even happier. Do it. Believe it. Know that you want to marry me.

Girl: It's a tempting offer.

Boy: Tempting. Temptation. The Temptation Of Christ. Temptation as a song by Heaven 17. Temptation from good. Temptation from bad. I think this is the good one. Be tempted. Don't fight it. Don't resist it. Know it. Feel it. Believe that this is a good temptation and generally not one to be resisted. It's like chocolate. Dairy Milk. Glass and a half in every half pound. Measured accurately of course. Sweet as chocolate. As wonderful as mint. Fresh. From the garden. Used in cookery. Nice. Marry me?

Girl: When?

Boy: When? When? Time. Relative concept. It doesn't really matter.

Girl: Oh shut up and tell me when we're getting married.

Boy: <Said slowly> Well, <pause> I didn't think you'd agree so I haven't really thought about it.

<They hug.>

Girl: <Cheekily> You silly sausage.

<Garish theme tune plays again>

Announcer: <over the theme tune> And there will be more programming of this high quality, every day until we get a bigger programming budget.

For some reason, only one episode of Negboires was ever made. To this day, it has never been repeated. Nay, not even on UK Gold or the Hallmark Channel.

Behind the Scenes

Nope. Sorry. No idea.


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