Sketches Driving Test for Boy Racers

Boy racer The government has done much to try to improve the quality of those who drive on our roads with the introduction of such things as the written driving

Now The Bods Files can exclusively reveal that the government has launched pilot projects for a number of more specialist driving tests. We sent our intrepid reporter, William Smith to investigate the new Driving Test For Boy Racers, currently being piloted in Milton Keynes.

Examiner: William Smith? William Smith?

Will Smith:That's me.

Examiner: Right then. If you'd just like to sign here. Can I see your provisional license please? Right. Yep. That seems to be in order. If you'd just show me to your car and sit in the drivers seat whilst I check the suitability of your vehicle.

Will Smith: Here we are <gets in and slams door>

Examiner: Ah yes. <slowly> Ford Capri GTi. Go faster stripes. Good. Tyres not inflated correctly. Great. Fluorescent yellow radio aerial and comedy car sticker saying "I run on four stars, baby!" <gets in car> Right sir, that all appears to be in order. Now then, perhaps you could tell me the bra size of that young lady in the red jumper.

Will Smith: Er... 36C?

Examiner: Close. More like a 36D. Either way, they are a juicy pair of jugs. I'll let you have it. Now I'd like you to pull away from the curb and drive down the street in an appropriate manner. <massive car revving. Music comes on at full blast. Car rooms down the road, Music volume is reduced...> Take a left into the street on the left then take the third on the right and park in the car park of the Coach and Horses, order a pint and I'll have a double scotch on the rocks. <fade out and back in again to the sound of car doors slamming> Right. I'd like you to cruise down this street.

Will Smith: Cruise?

Examiner: Yes. Like you're trying to impress the chicks and hopefully bag one, although we do not have time in the test to actually go to the motel. That section is however covered in the advanced driving test.

<Car stereo switches to some slow RnB. Hear the sound of women in the background going "Hi there", "C'mon over here big boy" and "What a guy">

Examiner: Right. I'd like you to pull up against that Escort at the traffic lights and rev your engine aggressively. Please make gratuitous gestures at the driver and when the lights change color, attempt to out run the vehicle.

Will Smith: <Vrooms engine. Shouts> Up yours mate, Call that a motor? Ponce! <screech of tyres>

Examiner: Okay. Can you now tailgate that blue Volvo in front, flashing your headlights and beeping your horn appropriately. <honking> Now take the next right and pull up next to that brown Mondeo.

Will Smith: Right. <screech>

Examiner: Can you turn off the engine and the radio please. Now then, can you tell me what the sign on this card means?

Will Smith: Rose and Crown.

Examiner: And this one?

Will Smith: Err... Swan and Three Cygnets?

Examiner: What's the minimum speed limit in a 30mph zone.

Will Smith: Fifty five.

Examiner: Does driving a convertible with the roof down in the rain impress the chicks?

Will Smith: No. It just makes you look like a complete twat.

Examiner: What should you do when approaching an It's A Scream pub?

Will Smith: Put your foot down and drive away as fast as you can.

Examiner: What are the red lights on traffic lights for?

Will Smith: To stop the rest of the traffic so that I can drive on through.

Examiner: Right... <scribbles on clipboard> Okay Mr Smith <pause> what does MSM mean?

Will Smith: Err... MSM... err... Mirror signal manoeuvre?

Examiner: Marston's Single Malt, Mr Smith, Marston's Single Malt. A fine ale which you neglected to try, choosing in preference, Fosters. You have to drink something stronger than cat piss Mr Smith. Your cruising technique also needs improvement although I'm sure this will improve in time and should not be detrimental to your driving <pause> Congratulations Mr Smith. You have passed.

Will Smith: <stunned pause> Well... err... thank you.

Examiner: Good day Mr Smith.

Will Smith: Good day.

Well now that has been revealed, don't you just feel safer whilst driving now that you know that the government is trying to improve the quality of driving so much? I know I do.

Background Information

First published on this site on 11 February 2001, The Driving Test for Boy Racers is a little sketchy thing I wrote for no particular reason.

Since then it seems to have been picked up by a few people and indeed linked from a few boy racer sites. Although I've never quite worked out why...

Marston's Single Malt was a bottled ale brewed by Martson's but not really available in bottles any more. Its featuring here is a a bit of a play on the concept of the government trying to get down with the kids and getting things wrong. For example, boy racers probably wouldn't have an ale... Similarly in the pub names - a true boy racer would go to Bar Scuzz or something...

Photo Credit

Car photograph by Lee Carson and released under a Creative Commons licence.


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