Sketches : The Ten Commandments: The Directors Cut
If you read the Bible, it's all so clear cut. Moses goes up, and comes down with some big tablets. But what really happened on the top of that mountain?
<SCENE: top of Mount Sinai. Moses has two very big stone tablets and a hammer and chisel.>
God: Right laddo. And commandment number one is? Go on, have a guess?
Moses: Err? Oh piggin' heckers like God. How should I know? You're God. It could be anything?
God: Just guess!
Moses: Err? Thou shalt not leave your light on in the bathroom?
God: Nope! Actually it's "You shall have no other gods before me."
Moses: Not even Margaret Thatcher?
God: Margaret who?
Moses: Ya know! She'll be prime minister of the United Kingdom in a couple of thousand years.
God: Oh him! No. Not even Margaret Thatcher.
Moses: What about George W. Bush?
God: George W? What a silly name. Was that one of mine? Nope. Not even George.
Moses: Jimmy Choo?
God: Hmmm? [pause] Nah. Not even if you worshipped an idol of him shaped like a boot.
Moses: Michael Jackson?
God: Especially not Michael Jackson.
Moses: Righto. Next commandment then my LORD?
God: Commandment 1a. There shall be no falling to the floor when the Glory of The LORD descends.
Moses: Sorry, I'm not quite sure I understand?
God: Look, it's quite simple. No falling to the floor when I'm about.
Moses: Why?
God: You might hurt yourself.
Moses: Might not, though.
God: Hmm? Yeah. That's a point. Well maybe, just maybe, I'll let you fall to your feet every now and then.
Moses: When?
God: Well they're going to write a book called Numbers. You can do it then.
Moses: Who's the dude who's going to write this book?
God: Don't know. It will happen though. But to let you know which bits are in Numbers, I'll tell you. What I'll do is subtly cough when I want you to fall
to the floor. Okay? A sort of ahem sort of cough. That seem okay to you?
Moses: Yeah. I'll go with that. But I wouldn't call it Commandment 1a though. I'd call it Sub-Command 2.3.44.
God: Then it will be so. Now then, Commandment two? Now where are me notes? I can't find them? It's not about virgins is it? Hmmm? Ah no! Here it is. Under the sofa as usual. Right then. Number two is "Don't make idols? especially not of boots?"
Background Information
Many years ago, whilst reading through the book of Numbers in the Old Testament (as you do), I was in awe at how much time Moses and Aaron spent falling to the floor when the LORD was about. They never fell to the floor in earlier books and no one else is recorded as falling to the floor.
So while Aaron and Moses were falling to the floor in awe of God, what was everyone else doing? Standing there, gossiping? "Hmm... Guess what I say yesterday Mavis. Hmm... Yup. The LORD. The Glory of the LORD filled the place. It weren't half a sight luv."
Why was it all this falling to the floor stuff was not recorded in any other book in the Bible? Did the authors just forget? Did they wake up one morning, years after writing them and think "ARGH! I forgot to mention
that Fred and Sandra fell to the floor as the Glory of the LORD filled the area!" Or was it just a phase they went through? And what did God really think about it all... Did it all happen like this?
Oh and incidentally, I'm very aware that a cross is New Testament imagery. But have you ever tried finding a photograph to represent the Ten Commandments? Have you? Well then.
Written around about 1998/1999 for no good reason.
