Conversations With Myself The High Heeled Shoes Issue

High heels I'm bored.

You're bored?????

Yes. Why?

Well I just reckon that I'm more bored than you are.

Why is that then?

For a start, I'm sat here typing up a conversation that I'm having with myself. Does that give you an answer????

Wow. Well... What can I say? You must be bored, dude.

Tell me about it... Anyway, what did you want?

Someone to talk to.

Well I'm here. Whaddya wanna talk about?

Well... You know women?

Yeah. Quite a few actually...

Yeah, I'm sure. But right, I've always wondered something about them

What? Like, why they try to castrate you once a month and then moan constantly for half a week and never apologize for all the grief they've given you?

Well I wasn't exactly thinking of that, no....

Oh. What were you wondering, then?

Well it's the shoes they wear right?

What about them?

I want, well need, to know why on earth they wear those stupid, high heel, stiletto heeled shoes?

Ahhh.... That old chestnut then?

Actually its a question, not a chestnut...

It was a figure of speech...

And what a fantastic figure it has got!

Yeah... Right... Okay...

Sorry. Do go on.

I hadn't even started my explanation yet!

Well start it then!

There is a very simple reason why women in general, wear those stupidly heeled shoes. But to find out why, we have to look at the history of women's shoes...

Oh good. Does that mean we can go back in time and have those funky, wibbly wobbly affects that make everything look distorted and weird????

No. We haven't got the budget for that kind of shenanigans.

Bummer. Anyway, you were saying?

First off, lets look at who created stiletto. Cunningly it was named after its inventor, Steven Illeto, an Italian-Greek living in Swansea. He was a fashion designer for all the posh women in Swansea, around about 1850. Unfortunately there weren't many women in the area who wanted to buy his clothes and his clothing company went bust. It was then that he decided upon revenge.

What did he do?

He thought of a cunning plan. He thought how he could humiliate women everywhere and how he could make them look incredibly stupid. Huzzah! He cried! "Make shoes with stupidly high heels that no one with any brains would possibly want to walk in, then sell them to all those brain-less women and make them look complete fools." He then laughed, maniacally...

Wot? Sort of Mua-ha-ha-harha, Mua-ha-ha-harha, hu-ha!?

No. More like, Mwhahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa actually.

Oh. I see. So what did he do next?

Well he was penniless, but knew his madcap scheme could take off. All he had to do was become a shoe designer for a major fashion house, and get them to make his stupid heeled shoes. Women everywhere would think they were tres chic, buy them and wear them. And fall over in them, get stuck in gutters in them, twist their ankles in them, get a much increased risk of getting arthritis and generally walk very stupidly in them.

And did he get a job anywhere?

He did. It just so happened that Channel TV Fashion House was in need of a new shoe designer and Steven got the job and moved to London. Within six months, women were wearing his 'Stiletto' heels. And they took off even better than anyone could have imagined.


Two reasons. Firstly the shoes were made by a top fashion house so everyone wanted them and secondly, Steven told all his clients that they looked ten times slimmer when they were wearing them, and generally made the wearer look 'better'.

And did the wearer look 'better' wearing the heels?

Did they bollocks. They just looked like complete twonks. But women, being generally gullible when it comes to things like fashion and the shape of their bodies, believed every word Steven said. And unlike most items of fashion, they never seemed to disappear...

So the women of the world have fallen for Steven's little plan?

The overwhelming majority have, helped by the fact that the media seems to like to persuade women that men find high heels really sexy, which is, of course, complete bollocks. Most sane men think they look completely stupid.

Has anyone told the women this?

And since when has any man been stupid enough to tell a woman that the clothes she's wearing make her look completely idiotic?

Good point. You'd get killed...


Background Information

Here's where Conversations With Myself all started. A random webpage put up on 20 February 1998! Gargh, I feel old.

I can't for the life of me remember how this came about, although it's written in that slightly over the top style that I used to go for in the days of Hydra - aka before I calmed down my writing slightly!


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