Conversations With Myself The Mascara Issue

Mascarra Hmmm.

What? No. Let me guess. You're bored.

Yes! How did you guess?

Well it was blatantly obvious that you were going to say something like that.


Because you always do...



Well, what if I am bored?

Well it generally means that I have to sit around explaining something to you.

Does it?

Generally yes. Well, I have to admit that there has never been an occasion where you haven't done this to me.

And how many times have I done this to you?

Twice. This will be time number three.

Well there's not much chance for comparison there, is there?

Not really no.


What? What? What do you want to talk about this time?


Are you obsessed with women and stuff connected with them?


So far we have discussed stiletto heals and makeup.

Well they intrigue me.


I don't know....

Hmmm.... I don't know what a psychiatrist would make of you.

Perhaps he could make a model of a train out of me?

Yeah. Whatever...

So go on then.



What about it?

What's the point?

How should I know?

You know [gasp] EVERYTHING!

Oh yeah. I forgot...

So go on then. What's the point in it?

To give you great thick, juicy, thick lashes.


[sigh] To coat your eyelashes with gunk.


To make them look dead thick.



Well there must be some reason.

Perhaps. If you believe the adverts then these great think lashes are going to attract all the men and make them think how wonderfully sexy the woman is.

So people think that men go around looking at a woman's eyelashes?

Seems so.

Well that's complete rubbish isn't it? I mean... You look at the breasts first.

Yeah... Well... I'm a bit more traditional than you obviously!


Well I look at the bum first!

Oh yeah! Get the priorities right...

Actually that bum bit was a joke.


Well I look first, deeply at a woman's personality.

So not at her eyelashes then?

Don't be sooooo stupid. No one EVER looks at eyelashes. I mean... Why on earth would you look at someone's eyelashes? If you're looking lovingly into someone's eyes, you don't want to look at the hair above it, do you? You want to see those wonderful pupils, the iris and the little tiny tear ducts.

So if no one looks at eyelashes, why put on mascara?

Well that's simple. The only reason why anyone would put mascara on is so that you can look a complete mess when you're drunk and crying into the arms of your best friend whilst sobbing about what a complete git your bloke is. Hey why not make yourself look even more stupid in public by having great big black marks running down your face? That, my friend is the whole purpose of mascara.

Ahh..... Of course....

Background Information

I must have been on a roll on number 3 - also published 11 May 1998. It was probably a logical extension of the make up one.

To this day, I find mascara adverts to be the most annoying. It's the way they put WHOOSH sound effects over someone blinking...

Looking back, the fact that only 'absurd' things involving women featured so prominently might just say something... Although I'm not sure what...


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