Conversations With Myself The Make-Up Issue

Lipsticks I'm bored.



Well, you're always bored, ain'tcha?

No... Sometimes I'm not...

Whatcha mean by 'Sometimes I'm not'? The number of times that you've sidled up here and said the immortal words 'I'm bored' is unbelievable...

Unbelievable? I've only done it once before!


Ah! See! That shut you up didn't it!

Oh... Feck off.

Well that's just charming that is. What gives you the right to tell me to feck off?

The fact that I am you and you are me and that all this was written by some sad and lonely bloke with no friends at about midnight when he should have been getting ready for bed so that he could go and get some rest?

Oh aye, yer right...

I rest my case.

But in my defence, this is only the second time that I have uttered the so called 'immortal words'.

Yeah, but the writer of this rubbish has a few more ideas up his sleeve and is planning on writing a fair few more of these bloomin' things. Goodness knows why - it only puts the idea into people's heads that he's completely schizophrenic.

I take it that the last word you said was when the author was VERY glad to have a spell checker, then?

Indeed, this is true. Anyway, this is not very interesting is it?


Right. Can I get off to sleep then?


[Deep sigh] Why not...

Because I want to talk about something.

If you want to know how babies are made again, I have told you before. Its all down to the mammy stal...

It's not that.

What then?

I want to know why women wear makeup?

I think I preferred the babies one myself...

Well I need to know.

Need to know? Why? Thinking of becoming a woman?

Nah. Couldn't cope with being pestered by slimy men in night-clubs.

That is a downside to being female, true. And of course slimy men are annoying, although there is an annoying female equivalent to the slimy man...

Wot? All women?

NO! Look, are you trying to get the sexist police in here? Anyway, I was referring to 'giggly' women, aka the scourge of humanity.

That's all right then. But why do women wear makeup?

Bugger. I thought I'd managed to distract you away from that subject then...

No chance.

Unfortunately not...

So go on then. Explain.

Must I?



So why is it?

'Cos they're all grotty, ugly slappers who desperately need it?

That's the cop-out answer.

Yeah, but I was hoping that I might get away with it. But as I can see that I'm not, I suppose I'd better explain... There are various reasons why women wear make-up. Lets look at the first. This is the strange case where women actually like plastering their faces with horrible gunky stuff, and like bunging bright red pigments on their lips and like making their eyes look like they've just been punched.


[Sigh] They like wearing eye shadow

Oh right. I understand. But why do they like doing this?

I've really no idea. Perhaps they must have no money than sense.

Well I'm sure a lot of people have. Anyway, what's the second reason?

I reckon the first case is actually quite rare. The second case isn't. This is the case where the women put make-up on because they think men like it.

Why do they think men like it?

Because slimy men in night-clubs like it and because women's magazines pretend that men like it (but that's because make-up companies give them lots of money to do this.)

Do all men like it?

No chance. A ridiculously large amount of men don't and would much prefer to see the woman's natural beauty, something which most women's mags quietly forget about. Indeed, it is the mags that help drive case three. You see, the media portrays this myth that all women must be this perfect skinny woman with a completely perfect figure and a completely perfect face. You need this because men are only interested in this perfect woman clone.

But no one is completely perfect.

Try telling this to the media. And indeed, try telling this to the women.

So why do rational women fall for this media rubbish?

Rational, sensible women suddenly loose all their brain cells when it comes to their appearance. No one quite knows why. And the saddest thing is, that it is widely known that men aren't interested in so called perfect women. One survey showed that while men may like to drool over Pamela Anderson (don't ask me why...) and the like, they would much rather go out with a normal woman who wasn't ridiculously thin, and who has the odd blemish here and there.

So women with blemishes are good?

Well that's the issue here. You pick up some woman in your local disco - she looks perfect. Arrange to meet up another day, do so, only to find out that she isn't perfect and has a few spots. One of the big comments from women is that men would moan if they didn't look 'nice' when they went out - but by caking yourself in make-up, you're hiding your inner beauty, and disguising who you are. Yes, you may have a spot. So? If someone finds you attractive, a spot or two or hundred is not going to put him off. Which neatly leads us onto the third category

Which is?

Women who do something completely pointless. Women who wear makeup to cover up spots.

Why is this pointless?

It's pointless because make-up like foundation, has been scientifically proven to cause more spots on skin that is spot prone, so by covering them up, you're actually making the problem far greater than it would have been if you left it with no make-up on.

So what's your conclusion?

Give me a make-up-less woman any day. I think make-up looks ugly. People claim that its designed to 'highlight' your features. But when was the last time you saw anyone with bright red lips, or a white woman with brown lips, or any woman with naturally blue eye lids. The only thing it highlights is that the woman falls for all the media crap and probably shells out a lot of money for the privilege.

And what if your girlfriend/fiancée/wife liked wearing make-up, and didn't wear it due to media pressure?

I don't know actually. But then, I probably wouldn't fall for that kind of woman. I hope...

Fair enough. But some men actually like their women to wear make-up?

For some reason, yes. Don't know why - after all if she's an ugly boot to start off with, a little bit of 'powder and paint' ain't going to help matters. The fact is though, that there are a hell of a lot of men who don't like 'painted ladies'; a lot of men who think it just looks horrible. I couldn't comment on statistics, but I'd go for all the slimy men in the world and a few more, liking make-up. Sadly, there are a lot of slimy men around...

And the most pointless item of make-up, not counting mascara?

What's wrong with mascara?

Well, its so pointless that I wanted to bring that up in another of these 'I am bored' conversations.

Fair enough.

Most pointless one then?



Because most people have reddy cheeks, coat them in foundation to cover it up, then use blusher to make it look like they've got reddish cheeks, which they've got anyway, naturally, but they've coated them under several tons of make-up.

And the ultimate irony?

The man who likes his 'perfect' (aka caked in make-up) women, is of course perfect already so is in no need of caking himself in make-up to make himself look perfect.

But make-up is a women's thing.

Except for actors and other people on the telly.

Yeah but in general, it's a woman thing.

And the fact that it is considered to be a 'woman' thing is another great topic for next time that you're bored...

Background Information

Number two in Conversations with Myself, which hit the web world on 11 May 1998. And yes it's another "absurd thing that the other sex are subjected to" thing.

The Conversations were always about tackling the frankly draft things in life, and really, when it comes down to it, make-up is one of them.

A couple of months after writing this, I was working in my summer holidays from university in a bacon factory. Without fail, one lass (a student) would arrive fully caked up with make-up - even on the 6am shift. Funnily enough, make up was supposed to be banned (it was after all, a food factory).

Actually if I was writing this now, it would probably spend more time on those annoying people who gurn away putting their make up on whilst they're travelling on the tube...


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