Negbores Episode 11

<Cue jangly, horrible theme music and titles. Cut to Madge and Harold's house...>

Madge: I'm just popping out dearest.

Harold: Really? Where are you going?

Madge: <Mutters> As far away from you as possible. <Louder> Just to the coffee shop to see Daphne, dearest.

Harold: Isn't she dead?

Madge: Yeah, but it improves the acting

<Cut to the inside of the shed. It is dark and sinister.>

Unseen Voice: Look, shut up or I won't get you a sofa.

Helen: One question.

Unseen Voice: <Desperation. That bloomin' dramatic music starts too...> Go on...

Helen: Could you make it <Drama builds up here> a big sofa. A deluxe one with a built in easel?

<Cut to view of the Unseen Voice. Well we can't see him. He's unseen. So we just see some black. Okay? Happy with that? I would be if I was you.>

Unseen Voice: Maybe.

Helen: Oh go on, please! I havem't had an episode for ages where my only lines are ARGH followed by me falling over. And I do so much enjoy doing them...

UV...: You're obsessed.

Helen: Sez you, Mr 'Sinister No One Can See Me'? You're hardly one to talk.

UV...: Look you, my identity will be revealed soon enough. When the final stages of my plan are complete. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haba ouch!

<He rolls over with laughter and hits his head. We can't see this owing to the fact that he's an unseen voice (how many more times must I explain this to you????) Cut to Daphne's Coffee Shop. There is a coffin behind the counter. It is Daphne. Madge walks in suspiciously. She waves at Daphne. The coffin jiggles. Madge sits down and looks around. The coffee shop is quite busy.>

Madge: Psssssssst! Are you there?

UV...: <D'oh! Unseen!> Oh come on. If we're going to do this, lets do it properly. What are the codewords?

Madge: Sorry... Errr... Ramsey is a bobbins name? No, that's not it. Ah yes, I remember: <Said monotonously> Shanka's in the hood with the hommies. He's gonna freak some bitches in the motel later. Get down in the hood. Get down.

UV...: That's more like it.

Madge: Have you got the hostage?

UV...: She's in the shed.

Madge: Why Helen?

UV...: I know Helen.

Madge: So do I. So does everyone. Everyone knows Helen.

UV...: Plus she is linked to all this.

Madge: How?

UV...: Idiot! Home James!

Madge: Oh yes. How are you coping by the way?

UV...: What do you mean?

Madge: Well, being invisible.

UV...: How do you think? I mean, the only way I can get back into the country is to become invisible, JUST so I can wrestle control of my own hotel back.

Madge: You've got a battle on your hands.

UV...: I know. I mean, they've turned my office into a doctors surgery!

Madge: A good one too. You never have a queue of people waiting to the see the doc!

UV...: But <Cue dramatic music> one day Lassiters will rise again! One day we will reign supreme! One day Paul Bobbinson will be sat in his chair again! IT WILL HAPPEN!

<Cue Credits>

Behind the Scenes

Oh finally the big payoff - yes Helen's kidnapper was her son all along! But only if he'd changed his name by deed poll. I don't think Paul Robinson ever kidnapped his mum in the real programme, but it was a nice change of scene.

As, indeed, was the fact that Madge is evil. No one would ever have suspected...

And finally, Daphne and her coffee shop. It was amazing how long it took for that coffee shop to be rebranded after she died. And there was a reason. She was still running it! Still, at least being in a coffin was better than being a zombie.


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