Negbores : Episode 3

<Theme Music. From yesterday... Cut to view of doorway showing Martin talking to Whisky bottles.>

Voice 1: Ben Eagles.

Voice 2: Isn't that Helen over there?

<Unbeknownst to us and Harold Wilson, Helen has regained consciousness and is setting up her easel to do some painting.>

Martin: Helen! No!

Helen: Argh!

<Dramatic music starts. Helen drops her paintbrush and collapses.>

Ben: Hadn't we better get an ambulance?

Martin: Well we could just leave her there to die and do a great story concerning her will when we all find out that she's given everything to Mrs Mangle's Dogs Home.

Jack: What? Mrs Mangle has a dogs home?

Martin: Well, no. But she always looks a bit ruff! (Be-bum cymbal crash!)

Ben: Who's Mrs Mangle?

Martin: She's the one who was a right boot and married Len, who you never saw and nobody thought existed until Len left her. Mrs M then got married, moved to England and I think Len came back to seduce Helen.

Ben: Poor woman.

<Meanwhile... In the Carpenters-Record household...>

Loo: So you're telling me that two whisky bottles have joined the cast?

Danni: Yeah. Didn't you know?

Toilet: Well, do you think I would have put on that stupid 'surprised' voice if I didn't? Anyway, why two whisky bottles?

Danni: Dunno. I think Australia is running out of actors or somet.

Bog: Oh my word! A crisis! What this calls is for the cunning and charm of.... <Da da daaaaa music>...Superloo!

<Loo runs doen the street to find a telephone box. He can't find one so changes in one of those open air cubicle things, ya know the ones - they have them in airports. Anyway, some old biddy walks past and blushes. Loo changes into one of those funky toilets that play music to you and whose doors open after 15minutes automatically just in case you decide to try to sleep there or somet... Meanwhile in the hospital, Helen is lying down pretending to be painting - she's delirious. Cut to Martin Daniels. Philip Martin turns up with that annoying goyt daughter of his, Hannah.>

Martin: Sorry Phil. There was nowt I could do.

Philip: How many times have I told her not to try painting...

<In the Daniels House, Harold Wilson is having a party! Loud music etal. Camera pans to reveal that he is the only one there. The doorbell goes. Madge is at the door.>

Harold: Madge!

Madge: Harold! Bloody hell you stink. And you look completely different...

Harold: <Whispers> Sssh! You're not supposed to notice. <Louder> Anyway! What are you doing here???

<Theme music starts: Negbores. Everybody needs bad Negbores...>