The Hydra Files Rant 'n' Rave: America

With that social commentator, Mr Andrew 'Where's Me Washboard?' Bowden person.

Don't you just want to ram something very large and spiky down Bill Clinton's throat sometimes? I know I do.

Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against Americans. I've met one. She was very nice. What I don't like is the way the American government has a general policy of ignoring the issues at home, and sticking their noses into everybody else's business.

Yes folks, if it wasn't for Billy, there would still be a bloody civil war in Bosnia, the people of Palestine and Israel would still hate each other, and the milkmen in Northern Island would still have to wear those daft stripy aprons.

Ahh, yes, world peace thanks to Uncle Bill! Hey, even the Second World War would have been in a bit of bother if Uncle Bill's predecessors hadn't given a hand.

What a nation the United States Of America must be. A bastion of peace and good will to all. Or perhaps not.

Yes, the good old USA has the highest murder rate in the civilised world, gives people the right to carry very large guns and shoot people who so much as accidentally trespass on their property, has produced the worlds finest racist groups, and has brought the most terrible sitcoms ever.

In fact, besides the good things detailed above, there are very few good things that the USA has given the world, these being Dr Pepper, and about ten TV programs.

Yes, it's official that, out of about 1000 TV stations, the US TV networks have managed to produce just 11 good programs worth exporting. They also have an amazing ability to buy the rights for British TV programs and to totally ruin them. Take the example of Fawlty Towers, where the US spin off managed to completely get rid of Basil Fawlty. What a move! Personally, I'd like to know what they'd do with Absolutely Fabulous. Get rid of Patsy and Edina perhaps?

And what about their rap artists? Each rap song from all these 'gangster' rapers seems to be the same, lyrically, to any other rap song. Some black guy witters on about his 'hommies' who are apparently 'in the hood', and how he has already shot fifty people today, just before tea and biscuits and noon.

But back to the government... Let's face it! Bill hasn't got a clue on how to run his own country, so he interferes in everyone else's. OK, so peace in Palestine is a good thing as is peace in Bosnia, but there are things Bill should be thinking about in his own country: the murder rate, the violence, the terrible telly, and, most criminally of all, those annoying shop assistants who always go 'Have a nice day!'

In February 1996 Edition

Background Information

Nowadays I do rants like this in the pub when I've had a few too many pints of Mild...

And when I do, people look at me pityingly and shuffle away muttering that they've left the iron on...


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