The Hydra Files Corporal Punishment (Edition 4)

Hurled into insignificance by the man they call Bods...

So you want a computer that will actually keep your work on its hard disk, and keep it there, no problems? Hey, don't be silly, now! You want a computer like mine, that trashes half your files, and makes you re-install your word processor ten times, just to get it working properly. Hey, life can't be easy pal!

Elsewhere in this quality publication you will see a book review. But hey, if this is too intellectual for you, don't read this, 'cos it's a theatre review. I had the misfortune to see the Tameside Youth Drama Group's presentation Variety Spectacular. Oh the joys of listening to terrible singing to pop songs and endless dance routines was only saved by the comedy sketches and Andrew Marshall's singing voice. Patrons of the arts and people who hate that horrible screeching feedback noise, avoid like the plague. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I have been asked to place this next bit in the magazine by a party who shall remain nameless, but who offered me a lot of cash in return for doing it. Their theory is, that if we mention something in the magazine, you will read it, and believe it. So here goes. The red doors in the hall look really good. They do, they do, they do.

Bosses at Creation Records have been playing down rumours that Lulu is to release a single called It's The Boo Radleys, in response to their single, It's Lulu. However, there have been no denials about rumours that Robbie Williams's debut single is to be called It's Robbie. Robbie's manager said little of interest, but it is obvious that Robbie has been forced into this action. Nobody else in their right mind would want to do a song about him, so, he'll have to do it himself. Potential first line "I'm Robbie and I'm incredibly vain"? Oh, and by the way, the red doors in the hall, look top.

Ever heard that sixties song that goes "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." Well, I hate to break it to them, but the song is about the vain person, therefore it is about him. Or am I just missing something here?

It's spot the connection time! What is the connection between the most excellent Blur single, Country House, and the theme music to the original TV series of Batman? The answer? Well listen to the intro to the Blur single, and you can instantly recognise a bit of "Dinner, dinner, diner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!" So there you go. And hey, don't the red doors look good?

We've heard some top gossip here in the Corporal office. Apparently, the painters think they can decorate college in half term. Yes, the whole college. Now stop laughing, it's not that funny! Well, perhaps it is. And whoever said they could do it, must have been taking the Michael. But where have they taken him? Where is that little fish, that lovely little fish? Oh where can it be?

Mark happens to be a popular name at Radio One. Three disc jockeys have the name, as well as a film critic and numerous news reporters. The Mark Radcliffe show takes this to extremes. Regular presenter Radcliffe has a sidekick called Marc Riley. Film critic Mark Kermode features regularly, and comedian Mark Lamarr contributes also. However none of them talk as much rubbish as Mark Tonderai who recently proclaimed on his show that he had heard that giving birth was like poo-ing out a water melon. How would they know? Have they had a water melon placed in their body for them to try and excrete? Anyway, the easy way to poo out a water melon, would be to dice it, surely?

The image of the rag and bone man sat on his cart, with a horse pulling him along, and a cart full of junk, may be firmly implanted in our minds. However, even the humble rag and bone man has succumbed to change. Whilst walking down to college one morning, I heard the distant cries "Any old bones!" Upon turning my head, I saw the said rag and bone man, shouting out his call through the open windows of a Ford pick-up truck. Obviously nothing these days is sacred. Indeed, we have to ask what will be next? Will our chip shops start selling French Fries (cries of disgust and horror)? Or perhaps even worse: will MacDonald's start selling food that is actually suitable for human consumption? Where will it all end?

Well, the Corp has to get back into his cage, back at the Albanian State Washing Machine Company. However, he'll leave you with this thought: Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. Oh, and Xerox never come up with anything original. Think about it, m'dears. It's quite simple...

In October 1995 Edition

Background Information

It was October 1995 and a new academic year at Hyde Clarendon College. There was a new principal, and new d├ęcor. In the main hall where we all congregated between classes, the old green tiles had given way to blue, but for some reason, the doors were all painted red. It looked quite frankly... strange.

Not sure if anyone got the fish reference though... It's from Monty Phyton's The Meaning of Life if you must know.


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